Reconnecting with Emotions
Answering the daunting question of "Who am I?" was like being Sherlock Holmes, searching for clues in a universe invisible to the naked eye. Taking notes of what my therapist told me, I began my quest by exploring my emotions as a starting point.
What did I know about emotions?
I knew I was an emotional sponge. You were sad, I felt sad. You were angry, I felt angry. You were happy, I was happy. Early in age, I felt overwhelmed by the emotions of others. As they would cause more pain than peace, I quickly taught myself not to be bothered by mine. In other words, I repressed my emotions, the only ones I could control.
Hence, I thought my emotional intelligence was above average - I could manage my emotions well (even though it was more repression than management) and had empathy for others. However, I later realized that I was missing a crucial aspect of emotional intelligence: understanding my OWN emotions. By neglecting this aspect, I had not fully explored self-awareness - that is, what I like, who I really am and what I truly want to become.
What were my options then? I could either continue to ignore my emotions, which clearly wasn't leading me anywhere in terms of understanding myself better (option a), or I could start observing them (option b).
I chose option b, but I soon realized that observing my emotions was no easy feat. After years of repression, I found it difficult to even feel and name them. My emotions were subtle, never reaching extremes of high or low. My emotional cardiogram was relatively flat.
I had to retrain myself to reconnect with them. Here is what unfolded:
STEP 1/ RELEASE
My therapist prescribed me a week of AOE meditation: letting go (Aaaaaa for trust issues, Oooooooo for deep pain, Eeeeeee for repressed emotions)
STEP 2/ OBSERVE and ACKNOWLEDGE: The process of reeducation: Answering the question What do I feel?
Every day, I began to journal how I felt emotionally and energetically. I made it a point to simply recognize the feeling or sensation without any judgment or repression. Whether it was good, happy, sad, angry, joy, tired, or full of energy, I acknowledged it. I continued this practice for 2-3 months.
Journaling was an incredibly powerful tool for me in naming an emotion that wasn't necessarily clear at the moment I felt it. The process of writing had a healing power for me.
STEP 3/ INTERPRET: CREATION OF MY OWN EMOTIONAL DICTIONARY
Once I recognized the emotion, I tried to understand the message behind it. I asked myself questions like, "What are you trying to tell me, anger?" and started building my own dictionary of basic emotions. Here is what I have listed for now:
anger: my boundaries have been crossed or one of my values has been breached by someone
fear: there's something I need to explore or my life is in real danger
sadness: I've lost something important to me or an unconscious wound needs to be healed
disgust: just stay away
joy: I'm doing something that I love and need to explore more
surprise: I just discovered something that I was not aware of before! ie I am growing! #openthemind.
Reconnecting with my emotions acted like a real compass in designing a new path for my life. As I began to listen to their messages, I found clarity in choosing my next steps, even if they seemed illogical to my mind. Following my heart, rather than my head. Is that the path of self-realization?
What about you? What have you tried to reconnect and understand your emotions? Horse riding, dance, music, arts, so many ways! Everyone is different!
Let’s start with something simple but so powerful: ask what do you feel now? instead of how are you?
Emotions are messengers. Listen.
