Connection Error: How to Connect with People

One reason why I would not connect with others is that I I did not know how to listen. I was apparently stuck in level 1….

Level 1 listening is like trying to watch a movie while also scrolling through Instagram, playing Candy Crush, and ordering pizza online. Instead of truly engaging, I'm too busy concocting my own solutions, distracted by my own personal problems, or judging the speaker's words before they've even finished. And don't even get me started on boredom - my mind might as well be off exploring the depths of the universe.

The end result? No real connection, just a lot of missed opportunities for meaningful communication.

Not convinced yet? Think of a connection between two people like a network, where messages flow between the sender and receiver. However, if the receiver's inner voice is like a firewall blocking incoming messages, the connection may be disrupted or incomplete, just like a faulty network connection.

So how can I get an upgrade to Level 2 -listening?

First step: listen with the heart (instead of the head)

I find the Chinese symbol for listening to be particularly powerful.

We see the ear, which represents the physical act of hearing. We also see the eyes, which encourage us to truly see the person we are listening to, to make eye contact and be fully present. But what strikes me most about this symbol is the inclusion of the heart. Listening with the heart goes beyond just hearing and seeing - it requires empathy, compassion, and a willingness to truly understand the other person.

Second step: learn how to ask better questions

As an example, I've learned to ask more specific and engaging questions like "what was the highlight of your week?" instead of the broad and generic "how was your week?" I've also discovered that starting open-ended questions with "what" can be more effective in eliciting factual answers, as opposed to "how" which can sometimes lead to more complex answers, or "why" which may be perceived as intrusive."

Third step: show genuine curiosity

Third step is to avoid stopping at the first answer and instead try to delve deeper into what the person is truly expressing. Start asking additional questions like “what do you like about that?”, “what is important for you in…?”, “Why?” (in a curious and interested tone)? By asking additional questions on the topic, you not only demonstrate your curiosity and interest in the other person, but also gain valuable insight into their perspective and who they are.

It takes practice.

Which listening level are you? Do you listen to understand or to reply?

Try it out: https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/active_listening